So I was at a baby shower this weekend. Wait let me rephrase that. I was at a party that nearly ripped my soul out and caused me to have a panic attack. Alright, it didn't rip my soul out but the panic attack part is true. The baby shower was actually my brother in law's, they're having a baby girl. I wish I could jump for joy that Camille will soon have a cousin on their side, I can't. It's too soon. Too soon for what you ask? You nosy little fuckers. just kidding. I lost my son in December 2014 and that was by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. He was only five months old. I have a thing for repeating myself so let me say it again. My son, Noah, was only five months old. He didn't recover well from heart surgery and things just spiraled downhill. I remember hearing about babies passing away on the news and I would just think. "No... that can't happen to me. That's rare." But sadly, life slapped me with a cold hearted reality that my son is gone. And because of that babies, pregnant people, mom's, basically everything that falls into the category of "baby" scares me. I avoid it at all costs.
You should actually watch me at Target. Seriously. I avoid all baby aisles. Sounds crazy huh? I will immediately avoid passing that particular aisle even if it means walking around the whole damn store. I would even walk sideways, like a crab, with my back turned to the aisle to avoid it. I clench my fists every time I see a pregnant woman near me. I feel my heart drop every time I see a baby and I grind my teeth hoping I can hold back the tears. My husband is stationed in Washington and couldn't make it out to the baby shower so I had to represent for our family. I knew I wasn't ready to be around things "baby related" but I forced myself to go.
I was talking to my husband's god brother about babies and I couldn't take it anymore. I remember saying "OMG. I just can't." Tears started pouring down my face and I tried to not make a scene. My head was down and I tried to control my tears but I couldn't. I like the fact that he just walked over to me and said "I'm sorry, I didn't realized...." and then sat back down. I'm not being sarcastic. I just want to stop crying and deal with this on my own. There's nothing anyone can say or do to make me stop crying.
I was crying for maybe 30 minutes and then I finally went outside to get some air. I opened up to my brother in law. I told him I was happy for him and Lizzie but all these baby type things just reminds me how I don't have my son. It's not fair. I just want my son. I spoke with a counselor a few months ago. She said it's normal to feel this way and it's okay for me to grieve the way I do. Almost everyone is accommodating. I just need time.
Note to everyone: If you see my crying leave me alone. That's all I want. I want to stop crying on my own. I do not want to be crowded. I do not want you to ask everyone around me what happened. I do not want you to call people over to me so that they also know that I'm crying and will bombard me with questions. I do not want you to touch me. I do not need your voice to get louder and ask everyone AGAIN what happened with me. FYI: They don't know what happened to me and the fact that you are getting louder and asking more people only upsets me and makes me cry more. "Please stop. Just stop." I said it twice but maybe no one heard me. I stuttered it in between breaths. Don't call people over to drive me home when I can drive.
